TOUR DIARY

Day 1.

Tour was a great success this year, everyone made the effort with the required bring alongs and we left the club promptly at 3pm, after sorting out the fossils nappy's of course. At great speed and with Strongbow as an added fuel we made Portsmouth in record time where we watched the Lions secure another victory. At this point however spirits were high and several were worse for wear, I seem to recall the condiment's table and a certain sauce bottle being demolished by one of our distinguished committee men in the local "Walk About"...........whoops never mind!!!! Of course we made the ship in fine fettle and boy were they glad to see us when we came on board, I've since received an email from P&O thanking us for all the singing on board and asking who was the retard dancing for an hour and a half with those ugly birds in the bar? I couldn't decide who it was, so obviously I didn't reply.

Day 2.

Well its at this point that things turn into a bit of a drunken haze, after grabbing an hour or so sleep in a quiet area of the ship with the fossils my world was turned upside down. I've never herd so much farting, snorting grunting and rumbling guts in all my life, at one point I nearly called the paramedics I thought I was in F...........g Cherry Tree's. But we got to France anyhow......................7 or 8 hours and many laughs later we made our destination, and were met by our gracious hosts. Although, due to the journey, by now we smelt like them too. The hotel was in a central area of the old town, and affectionately named Faulty Towers by us for the obvious? Thursdays festivities climaxed in Paddy's bar for most., but not all (Chillo took it upon himself to give Jamesy and Morelli and the French baking lessons till 5am, what dedication). In Paddy's we also met and managed to really piss off the ref, and several boys learned French in 10mins using the "Desperado" method. Also the inaugural Monculon "naked table football Championships" took place, watched by amazed locals before several bottom lips were found wanting as the drink took hold and the evening progressed................its all in the photo's. Sorry Mrs Weaks but he and Dawesy are lightweights.........."they make my dick itch" was a common enough term used, I recall.

DAY 3.

Recovery was foremost on the agenda, before surveying the collateral damage from the previous evening. After a quiet morning and a head count an eagerly awaited training session was held at Commetry's training facility. They must have thought it was a sunshine variety coach outing when we fell off the bus at their stadium. At this point the refs prediction of us loosing by 100 points looked a distinct possibility. The highlight was Carl Phipps doing the 400m dash in 30 degree heat in under a minute or three to gain a days free alcohol from H R JONES. He's CRAZY it was all free anyway, it was good fun though..................before moving on to be officially greeted at Commentys club house for the civil exchanging of gifts. It was here that a star was born, not only is he a fair prop and our Captain, Jamsey AKA  "Uncle Buck" proved to have one of the finest French accents ever herd this side of the bridge. His speech was likened to an episode of "allo allo" and will go down in Caldicot folk law, but what the hell, they didn't understand and neither did we so everyone clapped as gifts were exchanged. Not a drop a alcohol passed most of the boys lips this evening so after making a sharp exit most had an early night. The fossils however, who were now becoming a pain in the arse, continued to enjoy the hospitality and rumour has it there were several wet beds in the morning..........c'mon gents you know who did it own up?

DAY 4.

Game day. After a relaxing morning we set off to the town hall to meet somebody? All wandered into the town hall to be met by 30 or so dignitaries, and taken upstairs into the banqueting hall for some reason? They stood one side of the table with us on the other, nobody said a word, we couldn't speak French they couldn't speak English so it was like a Mexican stand off for 30 minutes before we were told to get back on the bus. But they did seem jolly nice, either way Jeff Phipps was blamed because he seemed to know everyone, even though he wasn't there............"at another free-be somewhere" was mentioned, allegedly............................On to the ground, the Stadium was fantastic, filled with the whole town enjoying themselves and they gave us a great reception. They really did. Food tents, beer tents, bands the full works absolutely fabulous. There were mini games prior, then eventually it was our turn and we were led out through the tunnel and smoke to the sound of a forty piece band onto their pitch, a great experience. The game, well, the temperature had to have been in the high thirty's, it was a closely fought affair and for several periods we were in a decidedly rearguard action. Not that the ref help that cause, it was said that he had skin thicker than a buffalo "I agree", seldom have I seen such patriotism in a man, anywhere. I knew then that it must have been wrong of us to have dragged him round Paddy's bar by the nose? A nose I may add you could have ploughed a field with........14-6 to us was the final result. A special mention to all the players and tourists as it was a good win on a hot day and helped may the tour even better........

The evening banquet was again one of the finest we'd ever seen a sight to behold, 750 people in a civic reception. Music, dancing, speeches a five course meal the works, we even got up to sing the Welsh National Anthem on the stage. I could write paragraph after paragraph about this night, but you missed it because were not there, sorry........one word could sum it up "Fantastic". At the end of the night we were then taken back to the hotel..............well, about 5.30am just in time for breakfast, awesome.

DAY 5.

This was a strange one, fancy dress day. After mustering the troops and donning the said attire we all travelled to a local recreational area. It was a beautiful tranquil spot next to a lake where we had chosen to hold Council, with the learn'ed brothers Foote and Shuck presiding. Chillo Chief prosecutor and brother Carl Phipps'y council for the defense (god help you). Once again I'd give a euro or two to know what the locals were thinking, but there we go? The usual suspects were hauled before the court  ready for the brothers grim to dispense their justice as they saw fit. There were several henous crimes to report, bed wetting, room trashing , drunken Debortuary and a host more I dare not mention...........once again the photo's tell it all. Personally, I was rather worried the way in which several of the lads enjoyed dressing as a tart. The attention to detail was disturbing, to a Caldicot lad such as myself who's had a sheltered life I fear I may need counselling. It must be said Mike Davies had the best set of legs on either a man or woman I think I've ever seen in my life...................everybody did the Funnel and generally got drunk again. I think we may see more of the funnel this season says I. The evening was a quiet stroll back into Monculon for most to gently soak up the atmosphere in the wind down towards home......... Unfortunately though not all followed the sensible route, once again several indiscretions took place, allegedly. Sadly one off our rising young stars mistook one of the local fair maidens intentions. Not knowing she was a geezer (and very pretty she/he was too) they apparently ended in a clinch, where their lips and  tongues met. I'm not sure what else to say on the matter I feel nausea coming on. All in the name of anglo French relationships I assume.......................

DAY 6.

An early start was needed, so once again onto the bus to wave goodbye for the last time to all the hosts who'd turned up to see us off. And great people they were. After a great tour a period of reflection followed by more Cider of course, it was needed to help us towards home. The journey home was not as arduous as expected, or the fossils had led us to believe (anything for the best seats).........one little point to put in here may be H J JONE'S lack of knowledge in the quiz., shocking to have to report really.  How is it that a man of his stature does not  know how many lads from Caldicot played for the district, or when the club got WRU status, the information was disputed vehemently by our Herbie, actually I thought his head was going to pop at one point and the quiz master was quite put out too. So if anyone can answer these please help out old Herbie at  your nearest convenient time as I know he's at his Witt's end................